Money Matters: Men Borrowing From Women

Money

Money

Money is a sensitive issue. Money can and does cause a rift between siblings, friends, spouses, lovers… Last week, I was reading Biko’s Saturday Magazine article about people (especially women) who borrow money and never return, and they make it so hard for the lender to ask back for their own money without being embarrassed. Even if it’s 200/- or 200,000 shillings, do pay back without being asked. It’s the honorable thing to do.

Anyway, today it’s about the men.

Disclaimer: the following story may or may not be fictitious. 

I met a man once. At a car wash, and you know they don’t have magazines for you to read while your car is being washed, all they can offer for a waiting lounge is plastic chairs in the open. I checked my phone and my battery was running low so the only source of entertainment turned out to be the guy who was also waiting for his car to be washed.

Ulikuwa umeenda ushago?” he asked. (Had you gone upcountry?)

“Why?” I wondered how he got to the conclusion.

Nimeona matope kwa gari yako” Your car is muddy.

Ok I admit, Bella is not the cleanest car in town. I hadn’t washed it in over a month, mostly because it had spent a number of days in the garage sorting some acceleration issue. Finally, when I thought I might develop a cold from all the dust, I took it to the car wash and that was when I met the guy.

From the beginning, he came on strong. Sharing personal stories at that first meeting, instead of sticking to safe topics like the weather, politics, Raila, explosions, (in)security, Anglo leasing, scandals, Manchester United, the world cup, what’s your favorite colour (mine is blue), music (the proper way to watch Sauti Sol’s video is on mute)…

Red flag #1: Eager to share personal experiences/details too soon, to create a false sense of intimacy and imply their total trust in you. And you also start to think you can trust them since they trust you so much.

In fact, from the first meeting I knew where he worked, his family history, his relationship status, and how much money he was making/spending etc information I didn’t particularly want to know. But he let it slip, no I mean, he let it be clearly known, that he is a rich man.

Red flag #2: Implying their wealth when you have not asked for it. No one volunteers information about their financial status.

Thereafter we exchanged numbers and went our separate ways. As he started his car, it made some funny noises (this will be relevant later) and he left. I got into Bella, wet floor mats dripping in the boot, and took them home to dry.

The first coffee date went well. He paid the bill and a date was set for the second one some 3 days later.

So after we had ordered for drinks, he said he didn’t have his wallet, he must have left it home. I didn’t think it was a big deal, I mean it is possible to forget one’s wallet home. It happens. So I said fine, don’t worry I’ll pay the bill.  I have blogged about men and paying bills before. But this guy said that he would refund the cash the following day, and in fact he also needed to fuel and *cringe* I gave him 1K. He renewed his promise to refund the following day.

Red flag #3: He leaves home without knowing how much fuel he needs for the day? Maybe he’s not organized: personally I fuel once a week because I know my usage.

Once again we parted ways, I zoomed up to Mombasa Road towards home, the thin traffic working my favour. As is the polite custom in Kenya, when you get home, you text to let the other person know you got home safe and inquire if they did too.  He called to say, actually no.. something had happened to his car and it had stalled on his way home. Could I call him back? No big deal, I have a lot of talk time thanks to Safaricom’s post paid tarrifs that are now set to end. But I did wonder why a rich man didn’t have credit. Another red flag?

Remember the funny noises his car was making? Yes.. that was some issue in the hood that caused the car to stall. My friend later said rich people’s cars don’t funny make noises, lol. They buy their cars still in plastic from DT Dobie, and not sbtjapan.com (very nice site for importing cars btw, but their sales people are AGGRESSIVE!).

Red flag #4: Rich people car’s don’t make funny noises

Calling him back, he starts to imply well, that he needs money to have the car towed. Could I lend him?

I was astounded.

I had just met the guy. Of all his friends from childhood, secondary, university, neighbours, relatives (and you know in Kenya we have over 100 relatives), workmates, family, his entire network; he forgets all of them and borrows money from the girl he is trying to impress?

So of course not, I could not lend him.  I hadn’t known him for longer than a week. In fact, I was broke. Just because I drive a small car and pay my own bills doesn’t make me rich 🙂

The following day dawned bright and early. Wanting to find out how it all went, I called the guy and he said the car had been towed successfully but he must have lost his wallet because he still couldn’t find it. So he had gone to the bank but we all know you can’t withdraw money over the counter without an ID, which he had also lost. So he wanted to ask me for a small favour.. and you guessed it, money. Again.

I told him to consider asking his friends or family or colleagues. This is someone who was implying dealing with millions. With the right connections even, so he was saying he’d get a replacement document/ID within 24 hours. I told him he could also wait those 24 hours.

We didn’t talk much after that.

To this day, he hasn’t refunded the bill or fuel soft loan. Making it embarrassing to start asking back for it. Same thing Biko talked about in the magazine.

Anyway, the point of this post is: at what point is it okay for a guy to ask money from some woman he is trying to impress? I think that unless you are engaged/married, a man should never borrow money from the woman he is dating. He should first of all exhaust all his options (family, friends, relatives, colleagues), but even then, there is M-Shwari. Loan sharks. Faulu and other banks hawking loans. Sell his phone on OLX. Salary advance. Chama. Sacco loan.

Never the woman he is dating, but if it comes to that, the first priority on his list should be refunding the loan.

So if you see all those red flags above, please run. This is not someone you can trust. There are those who will borrow the first small loan and refund in record time, so that you can give them without hesitation the next time they ask. The next they will ask for some more money; and then you will never hear from them again.

What is your opinion?

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13 Responses to Money Matters: Men Borrowing From Women

  1. woolie says:

    You are right, there were so many red flags – but con men hope that their story telling knack will obscure the inconsistencies It is unfortunate how some people immediately see others as a free ticket. I am glad it is not just old school owls like me who believe the boy should not ask the girl for a loan so early in the friendship. Keep some dignity about himself.

    So had you recently been to shags? 🙂

    lovely tale.

    Like

    • savvykenya says:

      Conmen are very smart Woolie, you lose if you underestimate them. The stories they offer are very believable and they make sense.. and they use emotions to cloud your judgement on any red flags. A man should have some pride.. no borrowing from strangers!

      And no I had not gone to shagz; it had rained and there’s a muddy section near home!

      Like

      • Katie says:

        I have met this group of our Shameless Kenyan men, they borrow, first time, then second time then third time , and even if all those times you didn’t give them they will still ask again a 4th and a 5th time! another one was asking me to guarantee him his bank loan! first day of meeting him!!!!

        Once beaten, twice shy!

        Like

      • savvykenya says:

        Guaranteeing a loan on the first date? Haha that’s a record. Where did men take their pride?

        Like

  2. Alex says:

    Men and money. Women and money. Mean and women and their money. Its all so bloody complicated, no? 😦 On the up side, you’re very clever. 🙂

    I think when it comes to money we need a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy. If I dont ask, you dont have to tell me no, and vice versa.

    Like

    • savvykenya says:

      Such a simple rule of common courtesy, why can’t people stick to it?

      Like

      • Alex says:

        Because dating these days is all about the money, a get rich scheme for the lazy, and evil, and foolish…

        Like

      • savvykenya says:

        True, very hard to find genuine people in the dating game in the 21st century!

        Like

      • Mackel9 says:

        Guess this is where I just retreat quietly and hold my horses, no genuine people? My friend is a nice guy, that guy who would spend his fare money to buy this girl he wanted lunch, no going dutch and he wouldn’t show it, I remember one time she told him she was in town, the guy dashes from home to meet his flame buys her come chocolate only to get to town and she calls to tell him “amepanda matatu” and she is the one who called. That day I saw one broken guy, but nice genuine guys never get noticed ey? You have to wear a mask of ‘assholeness’ to get some head way or be seen as a wimp, apparently courtesy is seen as being wimpish… but I said I am retracting quietly so let me hold those horses!

        Like

      • savvykenya says:

        I didn’t say NO genuine people Mackel Tisa, I said it’s hard to find them. I’ve met a number of nice men over time, but they don’t make it to a blogpost because we write about the odd, the bad, the mean, the weird, the nasty 🙂

        Like

      • Mackel9 says:

        Lol touche

        Like

  3. lexi says:

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    .

    Like

  4. HEMANI CHHABRA says:

    I love this one! I like ur final conclusion on it also. I feel it should be both ways . Neither the woman asking/loaning , nor the man.

    Like

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