Dear Friends, Terms and Conditions for IT Advice

Disclaimer: Believe at your own risk, but I am seriously considering these guidelines that I came up with myself.

As a techie, I sometimes get asked for advice by my friends, ranging from computers, internet, phones. I decided that I will be charging for my services, I need to make that extra money on the side and after all, nothing in life is free.

Where is the any key?

Here are the general rules, terms and conditions:

1. Before you ask me a question, ask Google. Rule number one: JFGI. Go to Google, type JFGI and click on I’m Feeling Lucky.

JFGI t-shirt from http://www.redmolotov.com

2. If you need information that Google cannot provide, such as a local phone review, search my blog first before you ask me. You might get lucky.

3. Please use proper grammar: things like “xaxa wot do i do wid dis file?” will be ignored. Also, too many typos will give me a headache so I shall sue you for physical distress

4. Ask me only those things that will benefit you, or both of us. For example don’t ask me how you can hack into your boyfriend’s account. I charge extra for these services.

5. I set the fees I want and you either take it or refer to rule 1, ask Google

6. I’m not a hardware person, so if your computer has short circuited, I am happy to refer you to an electronic repairer. At a fee.

Your computer has a problem? Call the computer doctor! Image from iconmegastore.wordpress.com

7. If you ask me too many questions regarding a subject, and I have already referred you to the book “-Said Subject- For Dummies” I shall have no choice but to drop you as a client.

8. By agreeing to take my advice, please note that I shall not be liable should anything go wrong. Mungu akuonekanie.. every man for himself, God for us all

9. Note that charges are private. I shall charge whatever I want depending on the relationship I have with you or your needs, so it may vary from person to person. The closer you are to me, the more expensive you shall be charged.

Also, a down payment is required before advice is dispensed. The rest after or I shall call the auctioneers on you!

10. If your email ends with 1100 quotes from many people, I shall trash it. If your username is kind of weird, like “whynot” or “xyz” I will probably not respond.

11. Should I sense a reluctance on your part to pay up your end of the bargain, you shall enter my list in the black book. In other words, blacklisted!

12. Get straight to the point. Please don’t give me paragraphs about the weather and what you planted over the long rains, see I charge by the hour!

13. This part I insert legal mumbo jumbo that basically means “you shall not understand this part but I own you now”

14. Your signature is required on this draft before I can consider business.

15. I shall charge you for reading 1-14